The Hyrule Monologues
by chensterrain
Summary: Link has a long rant about his inablilty to find a woman. Aww. That's about it. No, really. Wrote it when I was bored and everything. Read if you must...


He didn't need her.

Who was she, anyway, when it came down to it? _He_ was _Link._ _The_ Link. The hero of Time. Yeah, _that_ Link. The handsome Hylian, clad in the green of fields. Sex on legs, in more vulgar terms. Fangirls lusted after him. He, as they said in L337, roxor'd their boxorz. He was hot, and he knew it. And who was she? Some princess in a long line of princesses, a Zelda in a long line of Zeldas, whose only purpose was to get kidnapped and look pretty.

He didn't need her. She was just another girl – a hot, rich girl, but a girl nonetheless, and a girl after his ass at that. She made no secret of it. Every five minutes it was 'Love Link' this and 'Rape Link' that. She drove Impa crazy with her inane prattle – who could blame the poor sheikah nursemaid for escaping to the graveyard every now and again, and besides, in the right light, and if one squinted enough, Dampe the gravekeeper made a fine companion. But I digress.

This whole suitor business began when it fell upon Link to find a lady. Every hero worth his salt had one, after all. And Link, hot as he was, had no end of admirers. There was Malon, for one. The timid ranch-girl who spent far too much time in the company of horses. You got the impression she didn't spend so much time around men – she had that look in her eyes, you know, that _hungry_ look, a look that clearly said she'd have Link out of his tunic in a flash, given half the chance. Not that that wasn't a good trait in a lady, mind you. But Link could afford to be picky, and found Malon vaguely frightening. The type of girl you'd find outside your tree-house in the pouring rain, stalking you from noon 'til night, sending severed horse-heads to your other suitors.

Ruto, on the other hand, was a classy lady. He was already betrothed to her, for Din's sake, although one couldn't expect a Hero of his stature to be faithful. Not in this day and age. But yeah, with a little grooming, the Zora princess could well be his type of girl. Her persistent nakedness was a plus point. The fins and the smell? Not so much. And the whole fish-head thing was a turn-off, if he was frank. But the girl had potential. She _was_ a princess, after all, with a rich, if slightly eccentric father, and a sprawling, if slightly waterlogged, palace. Yeah, she was a keeper.

That brought him to the final girl. Not counting Nabooru, whom Link felt would cut off his face sooner than look at him, he was only left with Princess Zelda (he supposed there was also Twinrova, though sexy as she was the old-crone-fusion thing was a definite turn-off). And, let's face it, Zelda was the obvious choice, yet he wasn't sure what to make of her. Was she the blonde, busty Barbie-girl she made herself out to be, a Princess Peach-alike (who?) with an unhealthy love of golden triangles and cross-dressing? Or was she really a sexy, mysterious sorceress with all the powers of the goddesses and a divine right to rule, simply hiding her true form from prying eyes? Most likely the former, but it was hard to tell with these things. None of that really mattered, though. She was hot on him, and she was, well, hot, and that was all our hero cared about.

But it was not to be.

'Well, I have Sheik now,' she'd said, in that irresistible offhand tone he loved so much – he'd stood, slack-jawed, mute as ever, trying to comprehend how a girl could love her admittedly-sexy-but-that-wasn't-the-point alter-ego and ultimately failing miserably.

'We have so much in common, it's funny' she continued, a hint of a smile on her lips, 'I can see him whenever I want, he's always got time for me... I'm just _so_ glad Impa taught me this gender-bending technique! Seriously, Link, this could take relationships in a whole new direction! Boy-girl relationships? A thing of the past! _Wow,_ I'm getting _way_ too excited over this! Look at me, I'm shaking! Can you see me shaking? Like, _whoa!_' At this point, the princess dissolved into fits of uncontrollable giggles and Link was escorted out of the palace by Impa as he'd been so many years ago. She was alright too – Impa, I mean – in a manly, 'I'm gonna eat yer' sort of way, but IT WASN'T THE SAME, DAMMIT.

And so we come full circle. Link, deflated, rejected, returned to his tree house alone and cried himself to sleep, occasionally wondering whether lusting after Saria would make him a paedophile. Zelda, after a suitable amount of sedatives had been administered and her true gender restored, had a peaceful slumber, with the occasional 'happy dream' involving Sheik and chocolate sauce (we know the one, don't we, ladies). And Malon once again took up her post outside Link's house, having sent the last of the day's horse heads. Boy, was Nabooru in for a surprise.

THE END

And hey, congratulations for reading this far. No really, I mean it. This really made no sense, did it. No really, did it? I mean I'm sure all of you lust after Link too, but I don't see anyone else writing plot-less fanfics dedicated to the subject. Unless there's something you're not telling me.

Alright, I'll shut up now.


End file.
